I went to Landmark during my visit to Washington back in March. My visit was fantastic, and after coming back home, I felt great for a while.
But it eventually faded back into my every day life. But if I maintained one thing from Landmark, it was my improved ability to make decisions for myself and ask for things I need without being ashamed for it.
So, after over two years of struggling with it, I finally asked my mom to take permanent custody of my son towards the end of April. It’s so hard to explain to other people why I wanted to make that choice, and I had only told a few people about it. I told Nate, Sam, and one of my close managers at work.
But in the end, it really just boiled down to me not wanting to parent. I AM a parent, and that won’t change, but I didn’t, and still don’t want to raise him. I have no interest in parenting. I have no desire whatsoever. And I never have. I didn’t want kids, and even after having him, that didn’t change. I still love him, of course. Alexander is brilliant, adorable, he can be very loving (he is only three, afterall), and I love seeing him learn things and take interest in things.
And a lot of people don’t understand that. And it was hard to ask, but it’s what I wanted. And I asked my mom, and she said she would take him. I would get visits every two weeks, he would know I was Mom and my mom was Nana.
I was going to go to school full time. I was going to live by myself. I was going to go out and do things that I wanted and still get to have a relationship with him.
I had waited so long to finally do what I felt was best in my heart, I had finally asked, and my mom had agreed, no judgement attached…
Nine days after my mom and I had been talking about all our plans, with everyone moving to Kansas, them coming up to Indiana to visit and go through the court with custody… she passed away.
God damn it.
In three days it will have been a month. In four days, I’m starting school. They were going to be moving to Kansas this month.
I’m so fucking lost without her now, and it hurts so fucking bad.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I still want to go to school, I still don’t want to parent. But I don’t want to stay here. But David and the boys will be moving even closer than Kansas. And now that I’m stuck being the parent, I can’t leave because I won’t get the help I need.
But I can’t stand it here. Every day that I’m here, I get more and more frustrated. More and more depressed. More and more at stakes with myself.
A lot of days, I regret moving back, but it was done. And that’s easy to accept. But I have no fucking clue what to do from here. And my mom isn’t even available to ask for advice. And it fucking hurts.
My fucking goodness, it hurts. And I hurt, and I can’t help but think of hurting myself anymore because I can’t stand any of this. I can’t stand the lack of choice, I can’t stand my choices being taken away, I can’t stand my mother being taken away, I can’t stand my friends being away, I can’t stand my job, I can’t stand these people, I can’t stand this place.
And all I want to do is run, but I can’t run.
I can run, but freedom ain’t free, and running comes at a cost.
And I can’t fucking stand capitalism.
I can’t stand money, I can’t stand our “system”, I can’t stand the poor staying poor, I can’t stand being looked down on and frowned upon, and I can’t stand the lack of fucking choice.
And the one time I made my fucking choice, it got fucking taken from me.
And I’m so tired.
And so hurt.
And I want it to all stop spinning.
