Uhhh, Feminism?

Uh, oh. Not the F-word.

Actually, yes, the F-word. People's aversion to the word feminism is kind of perplexing (if not somewhat obnoxious). So why the hate and claims of anti-feminism?

I haven't done any in depth research on the origins of feminism, nor have I taken a college course relating to it or any kind of gender studies. But it takes a very small amount of time and effort to find out what a majority of feminists campaign for. The internet is a vast place, and there's boundless sources of information out there to draw a conclusion from. In my own experience and perusal of the glorious and supernatural interwebz, I have found that feminists generallyyy care about people as a whole.

Parenting and Patience

Parenting is one of the hardest things any person could ever undertake. And the number one tool to get you through the years is patience.

I am by no means an expert, whatsoever. In fact, I have little to no patience with small human beings. I can usually manage better when they're not my own, while my own child must bear the force of my unwavering frustration and stubbornness.

Oh, the behaviors we inherit...

Point is, I had a moment yesterday.

Post-Washington

Eeeek! It's been... well. It's been almost two months since I last updated. As my son likes to say, "Whoopsie!"

My vacation in Washington was fantastic and way too short! But before I get into that, I should say that I had my job interview before I left, and I did get the position! I also aced all my final exams, ready for a fresh start with my program change this fall.

Waiting in line for hotel and meal vouchers.

Now, Washington... Goodness, it was so much fun. And not to worry because I have plenty of pictures for proof!


My physical trip to get there was an adventure. My flight out of Indy arrived a couple hours late, so when I finally got to Denver, there were no more outgoing flights to Seattle. I ended up having to stay overnight in Denver.

Late flight.

This I Believe: Balance

I don’t believe in reincarnation or enlightenment as taught in Buddhism. The concepts are beautiful though, and I do believe that people can become enlightened, but there is no absolute mode of being so…

However, if there were to be such a thing, I’d like to believe I’d reach it in my lifetime. Sometimes, for very brief instances, I get a small glimpse of what they’re talking about… Those rare and beautiful moments where the already-always-listening stops and whispers, “Shhh… Listen….”

I know for a fact that I won’t ever be rich. I understand how socioeconomics work: if you’re born into the low class, chances are you’ll die in the low class. This doesn’t bother me too much - on a good day.

I’m not so poor that I live on the street. I have a roof and electricity, I have a job and food, I’m in college and I have internet at home. That’s not to say it’s not rough, but I can definitely say I appreciate the things I have.

And I think that is what makes the difference. I’m not so low as to be bitter, and I’m not so high as to be ungrateful. Sure, I may be stubborn and try to deny the help offered me when it is, but I accept it and am none the less thankful for the support and opportunities that DO arise in my life. Sure, I may experience that bitterness on some days, but when I’m lying in bed at night, I lean right over my heating vent to turn the light off and remember.

I believe in this balance. I have my understanding of the way our world works as it is now, and I do not have to accept it for what it is when I know it is so wrong. But I try not to let it engulf me.

I believe in this balance because a heart of anger does not leave room for a heart of love. I make room for the anger to be felt, and then I fill it with the love and empathy I feel for people just like me.

I may not move up the social ladder, but I will try. And if I do, I will bring that love and empathy with me, and I will help to heal. Because I will not forget my thankfulness for what I do have now in the case of finding more.

I believe in balance because it is the crux of human dignity, compassion, and understanding. And that balance is what changes the world.

This I Believe: Choice

In my English class a couple weeks ago, we were required to write a paper on a “This I Believe” statement. Before writing it, we were supposed to read some examples from a book of the same title.

I really liked the book, and some people had really cool things to say. So, while I was outside having a cigarette, I was thinking a bit, as I tend to do, and I decided I should write more of them. Perhaps once a week or whenever the muse hits me.

But the one I wrote for class was about choice. So, here’s a slightly modified edition.



I believe in choice. I have always thought choice was hard to come by. Sometimes choices are influenced in subtle ways, and sometimes they get taken away.

Particularly, I believe in the choice of parenting - to be or not to be.

Growing up I never wanted to have kids, not since I was three years old. Everyone always laughed when I told them this. They said I would change my mind.

Then, the summer after my junior year of high school, I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I did not want a child. My mom had always told me that women should not have abortions unless they were raped or in danger due to the pregnancy. She said it took two to tango and that women had to suffer the consequences. I took this to heart from a young age, and when I found out that I was pregnant, I felt I had no moral choice other than to be a mother.

For three years, I struggled every day with my decision - my previous interpretation of a moral choice. I decided not long after my son’s birth that this stance I had adopted from my mother was wrong, but it did not alleviate my struggle. I gave up post-secondary school for work and ended up feeling trapped.

During this time, I became pregnant again. A short week and half fling with the father of our son resulted in the unwanted pregnancy that began to unravel all my closest relationships.

I had been dating another guy at the time, and the guilt was unbearable. Not knowing how to admit to it, I hid the pregnancy from him and all our friends. I hid the pregnancy from my mother and the rest of my family. I knew my mother’s feeling on abortion, so I didn’t want her involved. And if anyone knew, she would find out.

Because I did get an abortion after verifying the pregnancy through blood work at the hospital. Single mom, already the mother of one unwanted child, living with her parents, and working a low income job. I knew I could not have another child. And I still know to this day, that despite all the heartache the situation fostered, it was the best decision.

But all secrets come to light. The day after the abortion, a letter arrived in the mail from the hospital - a pregnancy confirmation. My mother opened it while I was out.

Then the phone tag begun. My mom couldn’t reach me, so she reached my friend who reached the friend I was with who handed the phone to me, and suddenly everyone knew something was up, and they put the pieces together.

After this, things began to fall apart. I started pushing away unintentionally, fueled by guilt, grief, and anger. My emotional distance caused a fight with the friend my mom had called, the friend I had been with, hurt from my detachment, asked me for time away, and the fights began with my parents.

Never so alone, I moved back to Indiana with barely a goodbye. In my attempt to find more choices in the direction of my life, I found myself feeling more trapped than ever before because now I was a single, working mom with no support system.

Thank the stars for my wonderful friends, we were able to reconnect. Sometimes, there is still guilt for me, but I trust them when they say they have forgiven me. And for that I am thankful, always. They also helped me reconnect with my mother. But the pain of parenting was still very real…

Finally, I worked up the courage to call my mom. She knew how I felt about being a mother, and at last, I informed her that I made my choice. As she had offered before, I asked her to take my son and raise him. We discussed all the details, made the plans and plotted the time line. Then, just several weeks before she was due to move closer to Indiana for us to begin the process, she unexpectedly passed away on May ninth this year.

Hurt again by my choice being stolen, I was also devastated with the loss of my mother. I suddenly had nowhere else to turn to. My step dad could not raise him because he is a widower in the United States Army, and no one else in my family has the time or resources to raise another child. I wept for both my losses.

Now, it has been half a year later, and I have taken my choice into my own hands. I do not blame my mother for unintentionally instilling in me her personal idea of morality. I no longer beat myself up for not wanting to be a parent. I do not hold a grudge against the people who have said they will help and then fell through. I do not resent my friends for turning away when I needed guidance the most because I know I hurt them too…

I have made the choice to be a parent. It may not be the choice I wanted, but it is the one that I commit to every day. Some days I still falter, but I get up and make the choice again. I believe in choice because it has the power to change, and it has the power to heal, and healing is always a choice I will make. I choose to tell my son I love him because I have all along. Parenting is not the path I wanted, but now it is the path I have come to choose.

Porn and Masturbation

Sooo, I found this infograph via upworthy.com. I usually really like articles and videos from them, but this one just really struck a nerve.

Link for reference: http://www.upworthy.com/this-addiction-has-only-been-around-for-a-little-while-but-its-hurting-our-generation?c=ufb1

Here’s why…

One -

Porn and masturbation are still generally taboo subjects amongst the general population. I mean, let’s face it - if you’re currently a single guy, you’re probably not going to openly admit that you watch porn and masturbate, even if it’s just once a week.

And I have a feeling that it’s this shame in watching porn and masturbating that causes some of the symptoms experienced by these men/women who frequently watch porn for masturbation. There’s a stigma behind it that men and women carry with them all the time. It would make sense that they would experience feelings of anxiety and depression because they’re being forced to feel ashamed of their actions by a puritan culture.

These feelings are also present when talking to potential partners: shame, fear, feelings of worthlessness, maybe even feeling dirty. Anyone feeling like this, regardless of its cause, is likely to develop difficulty in communicating with others on any level.

Two -

Porn is not realistic. Granted, there is some good porn out there that really represents what an actual sexual experience looks like. But let’s face it, most of it doesn’t.

Men who watch porn for masturbation, especially men who have not had sex, obtain an unrealistic idea of what a sexual experience should be like. Then when it comes time to actually take a woman or another man to bed, it isn’t quite what they expected. Or not at all like what they expected.

Porn between a man and a women also often portrays the woman (or women) as a sexual object. You quite often don’t see their face(s) and a lot of the sexual encounter is focused on the pleasure of the man.

So, couple this disappointment with less arousal, and of course you’re going to experience erectile problems, difficulty reaching orgasm, and disinterest in your partner.

This especially impacts lesbian women. Lesbian porn is often created for an intended male audience and is created way outside the boundaries of reality.

Three -

Thirty-six percent of the “fapstronauts” reported shame about their more “extreme/deviant” tastes. This is another example of shame and judgment related to sexual preferences in our culture.

I can only assume that these more “deviant” tastes are referring to things like kink and BDSM. These things are so very misunderstood and misrepresented in our culture and so much stigma is attached to their practice, that it’s no wonder it creates feelings of shame in men and women who don’t understand that their preferences are normal.



In summary, I believe that a considerable portion of the problems experienced by this male majority isn’t so much the fact that they masturbate frequently to porn, but that the way that porn/masturbation is thought about in our society causes a great deal of shame and the quality of the porn itself is extremely poor and unrepresentative of a sexual relationship.

I’m also not dismissing the possibility that some of these people are experiencing genuine problems and symptoms of addiction, but it’s not a ridiculous notion to think that there are some underlying social factors attributed to many of these cases.

People

Quite frequently you see people say, “There are still good people in the world,” as if they’re sparse. Are there really so few “good” people, or are we just bombarded with negative images so often that we discount others?

And how do you even objectively identify a good person?

My English teacher said in class this week that he wouldn’t trust someone with the same ease he would have thirty years ago. He said he used to think people were inherently “good”, but his stance on this has changed over the years.

I see where he’s coming from, but does this necessarily mean that people have become more “bad”?

I really dislike dichotomies like this. Good and bad, right and wrong, moral and immoral, sexual preference, gender identity, and so on.

What about circumstance? Isn’t so much of the human experience circumstantial? Consider for a moment the drastic differences between our socioeconomical situation now as compared to thirty years ago. Or fifty. Or a hundred.

Circumstances now push our populations in further divided social classes. Help is harder and harder to come by for people in the lower class. It’s even frowned upon.

People are more and more divided as technology keeps people indoors. Even within the same house or sitting right next to each other, people aren’t connecting.

This idea that resources are scarce forces prices higher and higher as wages remain stagnant and our lower classes are practically forced to work as slave laborers. Even as we fill our landfills with 200 to 300 million phones every year…

Is it so surprising that a person might pick a wallet up off the ground and take the money instead of turning it in?

Is it so strange that someone would lie to get a little extra aid from the government?

Is it so outlandish that a man or woman would sleep with their boss to get that raise or promotion to help support their family?

Are people actually “bad” or are they just trying to survive in a society that has pitted them against one another and told them they’re not good enough to have their needs met? Are they “bad” or have we all been conditioned by an individualistic society to be narcissistic instead of other-oriented?

Even without reason, does doing something objectively immoral once in a while make a whole person “bad”? Do a few blemishes demarcate a person from a common good?

I’d like to think that, yes, people are inherently good. I think that circumstance causes people to do things that would normally be considered bad, immoral, or disrespectful. It may say a lot about their character, and I’m also not saying there are not bad people.

But I think people are good. I really do.

And I hope other people see it too…

On Loss

One of those funny things that people say, and I have said it myself as well (and about the very person I did lose), is, “I don’t know what I would do if I lost ‘loved one’.

And it’s funny and sad and a bit maddening. Because you say this, and when you say it before it happens, you really do mean it. You don’t know what you would do.

And then it happens. That inherent moment of loss, that unavoidable phone call. You cry, you attend the viewing and cry, you attend the funeral and cry. Then when it’s all said and done, you go home.

And maybe it takes a week, maybe it takes a couple months, but at some point you realize that “what you do” doesn’t change.

You still go to work or school, you still go out with your friends, you still watch your favorite show or read your favorite books.

The only thing that’s missing is them. And it’s maddening because you’ve built yourself up for this. You expect some great change to overcome you. You expect something. But there is only gradually fading grief and you do the same old things.