I don’t believe in reincarnation or enlightenment as taught in Buddhism. The concepts are beautiful though, and I do believe that people can become enlightened, but there is no absolute mode of being so…
However, if there were to be such a thing, I’d like to believe I’d reach it in my lifetime. Sometimes, for very brief instances, I get a small glimpse of what they’re talking about… Those rare and beautiful moments where the already-always-listening stops and whispers, “Shhh… Listen….”
I know for a fact that I won’t ever be rich. I understand how socioeconomics work: if you’re born into the low class, chances are you’ll die in the low class. This doesn’t bother me too much - on a good day.
I’m not so poor that I live on the street. I have a roof and electricity, I have a job and food, I’m in college and I have internet at home. That’s not to say it’s not rough, but I can definitely say I appreciate the things I have.
And I think that is what makes the difference. I’m not so low as to be bitter, and I’m not so high as to be ungrateful. Sure, I may be stubborn and try to deny the help offered me when it is, but I accept it and am none the less thankful for the support and opportunities that DO arise in my life. Sure, I may experience that bitterness on some days, but when I’m lying in bed at night, I lean right over my heating vent to turn the light off and remember.
I believe in this balance. I have my understanding of the way our world works as it is now, and I do not have to accept it for what it is when I know it is so wrong. But I try not to let it engulf me.
I believe in this balance because a heart of anger does not leave room for a heart of love. I make room for the anger to be felt, and then I fill it with the love and empathy I feel for people just like me.
I may not move up the social ladder, but I will try. And if I do, I will bring that love and empathy with me, and I will help to heal. Because I will not forget my thankfulness for what I do have now in the case of finding more.
I believe in balance because it is the crux of human dignity, compassion, and understanding. And that balance is what changes the world.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
This I Believe: Choice
In my English class a couple weeks ago, we were required to write a paper on a “This I Believe” statement. Before writing it, we were supposed to read some examples from a book of the same title.
I really liked the book, and some people had really cool things to say. So, while I was outside having a cigarette, I was thinking a bit, as I tend to do, and I decided I should write more of them. Perhaps once a week or whenever the muse hits me.
But the one I wrote for class was about choice. So, here’s a slightly modified edition.
I believe in choice. I have always thought choice was hard to come by. Sometimes choices are influenced in subtle ways, and sometimes they get taken away.
Particularly, I believe in the choice of parenting - to be or not to be.
Growing up I never wanted to have kids, not since I was three years old. Everyone always laughed when I told them this. They said I would change my mind.
Then, the summer after my junior year of high school, I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I did not want a child. My mom had always told me that women should not have abortions unless they were raped or in danger due to the pregnancy. She said it took two to tango and that women had to suffer the consequences. I took this to heart from a young age, and when I found out that I was pregnant, I felt I had no moral choice other than to be a mother.
For three years, I struggled every day with my decision - my previous interpretation of a moral choice. I decided not long after my son’s birth that this stance I had adopted from my mother was wrong, but it did not alleviate my struggle. I gave up post-secondary school for work and ended up feeling trapped.
During this time, I became pregnant again. A short week and half fling with the father of our son resulted in the unwanted pregnancy that began to unravel all my closest relationships.
I had been dating another guy at the time, and the guilt was unbearable. Not knowing how to admit to it, I hid the pregnancy from him and all our friends. I hid the pregnancy from my mother and the rest of my family. I knew my mother’s feeling on abortion, so I didn’t want her involved. And if anyone knew, she would find out.
Because I did get an abortion after verifying the pregnancy through blood work at the hospital. Single mom, already the mother of one unwanted child, living with her parents, and working a low income job. I knew I could not have another child. And I still know to this day, that despite all the heartache the situation fostered, it was the best decision.
But all secrets come to light. The day after the abortion, a letter arrived in the mail from the hospital - a pregnancy confirmation. My mother opened it while I was out.
Then the phone tag begun. My mom couldn’t reach me, so she reached my friend who reached the friend I was with who handed the phone to me, and suddenly everyone knew something was up, and they put the pieces together.
After this, things began to fall apart. I started pushing away unintentionally, fueled by guilt, grief, and anger. My emotional distance caused a fight with the friend my mom had called, the friend I had been with, hurt from my detachment, asked me for time away, and the fights began with my parents.
Never so alone, I moved back to Indiana with barely a goodbye. In my attempt to find more choices in the direction of my life, I found myself feeling more trapped than ever before because now I was a single, working mom with no support system.
Thank the stars for my wonderful friends, we were able to reconnect. Sometimes, there is still guilt for me, but I trust them when they say they have forgiven me. And for that I am thankful, always. They also helped me reconnect with my mother. But the pain of parenting was still very real…
Finally, I worked up the courage to call my mom. She knew how I felt about being a mother, and at last, I informed her that I made my choice. As she had offered before, I asked her to take my son and raise him. We discussed all the details, made the plans and plotted the time line. Then, just several weeks before she was due to move closer to Indiana for us to begin the process, she unexpectedly passed away on May ninth this year.
Hurt again by my choice being stolen, I was also devastated with the loss of my mother. I suddenly had nowhere else to turn to. My step dad could not raise him because he is a widower in the United States Army, and no one else in my family has the time or resources to raise another child. I wept for both my losses.
Now, it has been half a year later, and I have taken my choice into my own hands. I do not blame my mother for unintentionally instilling in me her personal idea of morality. I no longer beat myself up for not wanting to be a parent. I do not hold a grudge against the people who have said they will help and then fell through. I do not resent my friends for turning away when I needed guidance the most because I know I hurt them too…
I have made the choice to be a parent. It may not be the choice I wanted, but it is the one that I commit to every day. Some days I still falter, but I get up and make the choice again. I believe in choice because it has the power to change, and it has the power to heal, and healing is always a choice I will make. I choose to tell my son I love him because I have all along. Parenting is not the path I wanted, but now it is the path I have come to choose.
I really liked the book, and some people had really cool things to say. So, while I was outside having a cigarette, I was thinking a bit, as I tend to do, and I decided I should write more of them. Perhaps once a week or whenever the muse hits me.
But the one I wrote for class was about choice. So, here’s a slightly modified edition.
I believe in choice. I have always thought choice was hard to come by. Sometimes choices are influenced in subtle ways, and sometimes they get taken away.
Particularly, I believe in the choice of parenting - to be or not to be.
Growing up I never wanted to have kids, not since I was three years old. Everyone always laughed when I told them this. They said I would change my mind.
Then, the summer after my junior year of high school, I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I did not want a child. My mom had always told me that women should not have abortions unless they were raped or in danger due to the pregnancy. She said it took two to tango and that women had to suffer the consequences. I took this to heart from a young age, and when I found out that I was pregnant, I felt I had no moral choice other than to be a mother.
For three years, I struggled every day with my decision - my previous interpretation of a moral choice. I decided not long after my son’s birth that this stance I had adopted from my mother was wrong, but it did not alleviate my struggle. I gave up post-secondary school for work and ended up feeling trapped.
During this time, I became pregnant again. A short week and half fling with the father of our son resulted in the unwanted pregnancy that began to unravel all my closest relationships.
I had been dating another guy at the time, and the guilt was unbearable. Not knowing how to admit to it, I hid the pregnancy from him and all our friends. I hid the pregnancy from my mother and the rest of my family. I knew my mother’s feeling on abortion, so I didn’t want her involved. And if anyone knew, she would find out.
Because I did get an abortion after verifying the pregnancy through blood work at the hospital. Single mom, already the mother of one unwanted child, living with her parents, and working a low income job. I knew I could not have another child. And I still know to this day, that despite all the heartache the situation fostered, it was the best decision.
But all secrets come to light. The day after the abortion, a letter arrived in the mail from the hospital - a pregnancy confirmation. My mother opened it while I was out.
Then the phone tag begun. My mom couldn’t reach me, so she reached my friend who reached the friend I was with who handed the phone to me, and suddenly everyone knew something was up, and they put the pieces together.
After this, things began to fall apart. I started pushing away unintentionally, fueled by guilt, grief, and anger. My emotional distance caused a fight with the friend my mom had called, the friend I had been with, hurt from my detachment, asked me for time away, and the fights began with my parents.
Never so alone, I moved back to Indiana with barely a goodbye. In my attempt to find more choices in the direction of my life, I found myself feeling more trapped than ever before because now I was a single, working mom with no support system.
Thank the stars for my wonderful friends, we were able to reconnect. Sometimes, there is still guilt for me, but I trust them when they say they have forgiven me. And for that I am thankful, always. They also helped me reconnect with my mother. But the pain of parenting was still very real…
Finally, I worked up the courage to call my mom. She knew how I felt about being a mother, and at last, I informed her that I made my choice. As she had offered before, I asked her to take my son and raise him. We discussed all the details, made the plans and plotted the time line. Then, just several weeks before she was due to move closer to Indiana for us to begin the process, she unexpectedly passed away on May ninth this year.
Hurt again by my choice being stolen, I was also devastated with the loss of my mother. I suddenly had nowhere else to turn to. My step dad could not raise him because he is a widower in the United States Army, and no one else in my family has the time or resources to raise another child. I wept for both my losses.
Now, it has been half a year later, and I have taken my choice into my own hands. I do not blame my mother for unintentionally instilling in me her personal idea of morality. I no longer beat myself up for not wanting to be a parent. I do not hold a grudge against the people who have said they will help and then fell through. I do not resent my friends for turning away when I needed guidance the most because I know I hurt them too…
I have made the choice to be a parent. It may not be the choice I wanted, but it is the one that I commit to every day. Some days I still falter, but I get up and make the choice again. I believe in choice because it has the power to change, and it has the power to heal, and healing is always a choice I will make. I choose to tell my son I love him because I have all along. Parenting is not the path I wanted, but now it is the path I have come to choose.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Porn and Masturbation
Sooo, I found this infograph via upworthy.com. I usually really like articles and videos from them, but this one just really struck a nerve.
Link for reference: http://www.upworthy.com/this-addiction-has-only-been-around-for-a-little-while-but-its-hurting-our-generation?c=ufb1
Here’s why…
Link for reference: http://www.upworthy.com/this-addiction-has-only-been-around-for-a-little-while-but-its-hurting-our-generation?c=ufb1
Here’s why…
One -
Porn and masturbation are still generally taboo subjects amongst the general population. I mean, let’s face it - if you’re currently a single guy, you’re probably not going to openly admit that you watch porn and masturbate, even if it’s just once a week.
And I have a feeling that it’s this shame in watching porn and masturbating that causes some of the symptoms experienced by these men/women who frequently watch porn for masturbation. There’s a stigma behind it that men and women carry with them all the time. It would make sense that they would experience feelings of anxiety and depression because they’re being forced to feel ashamed of their actions by a puritan culture.
These feelings are also present when talking to potential partners: shame, fear, feelings of worthlessness, maybe even feeling dirty. Anyone feeling like this, regardless of its cause, is likely to develop difficulty in communicating with others on any level.
Two -
Porn is not realistic. Granted, there is some good porn out there that really represents what an actual sexual experience looks like. But let’s face it, most of it doesn’t.
Men who watch porn for masturbation, especially men who have not had sex, obtain an unrealistic idea of what a sexual experience should be like. Then when it comes time to actually take a woman or another man to bed, it isn’t quite what they expected. Or not at all like what they expected.
Porn between a man and a women also often portrays the woman (or women) as a sexual object. You quite often don’t see their face(s) and a lot of the sexual encounter is focused on the pleasure of the man.
So, couple this disappointment with less arousal, and of course you’re going to experience erectile problems, difficulty reaching orgasm, and disinterest in your partner.
This especially impacts lesbian women. Lesbian porn is often created for an intended male audience and is created way outside the boundaries of reality.
Three -
Thirty-six percent of the “fapstronauts” reported shame about their more “extreme/deviant” tastes. This is another example of shame and judgment related to sexual preferences in our culture.
I can only assume that these more “deviant” tastes are referring to things like kink and BDSM. These things are so very misunderstood and misrepresented in our culture and so much stigma is attached to their practice, that it’s no wonder it creates feelings of shame in men and women who don’t understand that their preferences are normal.
In summary, I believe that a considerable portion of the problems experienced by this male majority isn’t so much the fact that they masturbate frequently to porn, but that the way that porn/masturbation is thought about in our society causes a great deal of shame and the quality of the porn itself is extremely poor and unrepresentative of a sexual relationship.
I’m also not dismissing the possibility that some of these people are experiencing genuine problems and symptoms of addiction, but it’s not a ridiculous notion to think that there are some underlying social factors attributed to many of these cases.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
People
Quite frequently you see people say, “There are still good people in the world,” as if they’re sparse. Are there really so few “good” people, or are we just bombarded with negative images so often that we discount others?
And how do you even objectively identify a good person?
My English teacher said in class this week that he wouldn’t trust someone with the same ease he would have thirty years ago. He said he used to think people were inherently “good”, but his stance on this has changed over the years.
I see where he’s coming from, but does this necessarily mean that people have become more “bad”?
I really dislike dichotomies like this. Good and bad, right and wrong, moral and immoral, sexual preference, gender identity, and so on.
What about circumstance? Isn’t so much of the human experience circumstantial? Consider for a moment the drastic differences between our socioeconomical situation now as compared to thirty years ago. Or fifty. Or a hundred.
Circumstances now push our populations in further divided social classes. Help is harder and harder to come by for people in the lower class. It’s even frowned upon.
People are more and more divided as technology keeps people indoors. Even within the same house or sitting right next to each other, people aren’t connecting.
This idea that resources are scarce forces prices higher and higher as wages remain stagnant and our lower classes are practically forced to work as slave laborers. Even as we fill our landfills with 200 to 300 million phones every year…
Is it so surprising that a person might pick a wallet up off the ground and take the money instead of turning it in?
Is it so strange that someone would lie to get a little extra aid from the government?
Is it so outlandish that a man or woman would sleep with their boss to get that raise or promotion to help support their family?
Are people actually “bad” or are they just trying to survive in a society that has pitted them against one another and told them they’re not good enough to have their needs met? Are they “bad” or have we all been conditioned by an individualistic society to be narcissistic instead of other-oriented?
Even without reason, does doing something objectively immoral once in a while make a whole person “bad”? Do a few blemishes demarcate a person from a common good?
I’d like to think that, yes, people are inherently good. I think that circumstance causes people to do things that would normally be considered bad, immoral, or disrespectful. It may say a lot about their character, and I’m also not saying there are not bad people.
But I think people are good. I really do.
And I hope other people see it too…
And how do you even objectively identify a good person?
My English teacher said in class this week that he wouldn’t trust someone with the same ease he would have thirty years ago. He said he used to think people were inherently “good”, but his stance on this has changed over the years.
I see where he’s coming from, but does this necessarily mean that people have become more “bad”?
I really dislike dichotomies like this. Good and bad, right and wrong, moral and immoral, sexual preference, gender identity, and so on.
What about circumstance? Isn’t so much of the human experience circumstantial? Consider for a moment the drastic differences between our socioeconomical situation now as compared to thirty years ago. Or fifty. Or a hundred.
Circumstances now push our populations in further divided social classes. Help is harder and harder to come by for people in the lower class. It’s even frowned upon.
People are more and more divided as technology keeps people indoors. Even within the same house or sitting right next to each other, people aren’t connecting.
This idea that resources are scarce forces prices higher and higher as wages remain stagnant and our lower classes are practically forced to work as slave laborers. Even as we fill our landfills with 200 to 300 million phones every year…
Is it so surprising that a person might pick a wallet up off the ground and take the money instead of turning it in?
Is it so strange that someone would lie to get a little extra aid from the government?
Is it so outlandish that a man or woman would sleep with their boss to get that raise or promotion to help support their family?
Are people actually “bad” or are they just trying to survive in a society that has pitted them against one another and told them they’re not good enough to have their needs met? Are they “bad” or have we all been conditioned by an individualistic society to be narcissistic instead of other-oriented?
Even without reason, does doing something objectively immoral once in a while make a whole person “bad”? Do a few blemishes demarcate a person from a common good?
I’d like to think that, yes, people are inherently good. I think that circumstance causes people to do things that would normally be considered bad, immoral, or disrespectful. It may say a lot about their character, and I’m also not saying there are not bad people.
But I think people are good. I really do.
And I hope other people see it too…
Thursday, August 8, 2013
On Loss
One of those funny things that people say, and I have said it myself as well (and about the very person I did lose), is, “I don’t know what I would do if I lost ‘loved one’.
And it’s funny and sad and a bit maddening. Because you say this, and when you say it before it happens, you really do mean it. You don’t know what you would do.
And then it happens. That inherent moment of loss, that unavoidable phone call. You cry, you attend the viewing and cry, you attend the funeral and cry. Then when it’s all said and done, you go home.
And maybe it takes a week, maybe it takes a couple months, but at some point you realize that “what you do” doesn’t change.
You still go to work or school, you still go out with your friends, you still watch your favorite show or read your favorite books.
The only thing that’s missing is them. And it’s maddening because you’ve built yourself up for this. You expect some great change to overcome you. You expect something. But there is only gradually fading grief and you do the same old things.
And it’s funny and sad and a bit maddening. Because you say this, and when you say it before it happens, you really do mean it. You don’t know what you would do.
And then it happens. That inherent moment of loss, that unavoidable phone call. You cry, you attend the viewing and cry, you attend the funeral and cry. Then when it’s all said and done, you go home.
And maybe it takes a week, maybe it takes a couple months, but at some point you realize that “what you do” doesn’t change.
You still go to work or school, you still go out with your friends, you still watch your favorite show or read your favorite books.
The only thing that’s missing is them. And it’s maddening because you’ve built yourself up for this. You expect some great change to overcome you. You expect something. But there is only gradually fading grief and you do the same old things.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Hurt
I went to Landmark during my visit to Washington back in March. My visit was fantastic, and after coming back home, I felt great for a while.
But it eventually faded back into my every day life. But if I maintained one thing from Landmark, it was my improved ability to make decisions for myself and ask for things I need without being ashamed for it.
So, after over two years of struggling with it, I finally asked my mom to take permanent custody of my son towards the end of April. It’s so hard to explain to other people why I wanted to make that choice, and I had only told a few people about it. I told Nate, Sam, and one of my close managers at work.
But in the end, it really just boiled down to me not wanting to parent. I AM a parent, and that won’t change, but I didn’t, and still don’t want to raise him. I have no interest in parenting. I have no desire whatsoever. And I never have. I didn’t want kids, and even after having him, that didn’t change. I still love him, of course. Alexander is brilliant, adorable, he can be very loving (he is only three, afterall), and I love seeing him learn things and take interest in things.
And a lot of people don’t understand that. And it was hard to ask, but it’s what I wanted. And I asked my mom, and she said she would take him. I would get visits every two weeks, he would know I was Mom and my mom was Nana.
I was going to go to school full time. I was going to live by myself. I was going to go out and do things that I wanted and still get to have a relationship with him.
I had waited so long to finally do what I felt was best in my heart, I had finally asked, and my mom had agreed, no judgement attached…
Nine days after my mom and I had been talking about all our plans, with everyone moving to Kansas, them coming up to Indiana to visit and go through the court with custody… she passed away.
God damn it.
In three days it will have been a month. In four days, I’m starting school. They were going to be moving to Kansas this month.
I’m so fucking lost without her now, and it hurts so fucking bad.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I still want to go to school, I still don’t want to parent. But I don’t want to stay here. But David and the boys will be moving even closer than Kansas. And now that I’m stuck being the parent, I can’t leave because I won’t get the help I need.
But I can’t stand it here. Every day that I’m here, I get more and more frustrated. More and more depressed. More and more at stakes with myself.
A lot of days, I regret moving back, but it was done. And that’s easy to accept. But I have no fucking clue what to do from here. And my mom isn’t even available to ask for advice. And it fucking hurts.
My fucking goodness, it hurts. And I hurt, and I can’t help but think of hurting myself anymore because I can’t stand any of this. I can’t stand the lack of choice, I can’t stand my choices being taken away, I can’t stand my mother being taken away, I can’t stand my friends being away, I can’t stand my job, I can’t stand these people, I can’t stand this place.
And all I want to do is run, but I can’t run.
I can run, but freedom ain’t free, and running comes at a cost.
And I can’t fucking stand capitalism.
I can’t stand money, I can’t stand our “system”, I can’t stand the poor staying poor, I can’t stand being looked down on and frowned upon, and I can’t stand the lack of fucking choice.
And the one time I made my fucking choice, it got fucking taken from me.
And I’m so tired.
And so hurt.
And I want it to all stop spinning.
But it eventually faded back into my every day life. But if I maintained one thing from Landmark, it was my improved ability to make decisions for myself and ask for things I need without being ashamed for it.
So, after over two years of struggling with it, I finally asked my mom to take permanent custody of my son towards the end of April. It’s so hard to explain to other people why I wanted to make that choice, and I had only told a few people about it. I told Nate, Sam, and one of my close managers at work.
But in the end, it really just boiled down to me not wanting to parent. I AM a parent, and that won’t change, but I didn’t, and still don’t want to raise him. I have no interest in parenting. I have no desire whatsoever. And I never have. I didn’t want kids, and even after having him, that didn’t change. I still love him, of course. Alexander is brilliant, adorable, he can be very loving (he is only three, afterall), and I love seeing him learn things and take interest in things.
And a lot of people don’t understand that. And it was hard to ask, but it’s what I wanted. And I asked my mom, and she said she would take him. I would get visits every two weeks, he would know I was Mom and my mom was Nana.
I was going to go to school full time. I was going to live by myself. I was going to go out and do things that I wanted and still get to have a relationship with him.
I had waited so long to finally do what I felt was best in my heart, I had finally asked, and my mom had agreed, no judgement attached…
Nine days after my mom and I had been talking about all our plans, with everyone moving to Kansas, them coming up to Indiana to visit and go through the court with custody… she passed away.
God damn it.
In three days it will have been a month. In four days, I’m starting school. They were going to be moving to Kansas this month.
I’m so fucking lost without her now, and it hurts so fucking bad.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I still want to go to school, I still don’t want to parent. But I don’t want to stay here. But David and the boys will be moving even closer than Kansas. And now that I’m stuck being the parent, I can’t leave because I won’t get the help I need.
But I can’t stand it here. Every day that I’m here, I get more and more frustrated. More and more depressed. More and more at stakes with myself.
A lot of days, I regret moving back, but it was done. And that’s easy to accept. But I have no fucking clue what to do from here. And my mom isn’t even available to ask for advice. And it fucking hurts.
My fucking goodness, it hurts. And I hurt, and I can’t help but think of hurting myself anymore because I can’t stand any of this. I can’t stand the lack of choice, I can’t stand my choices being taken away, I can’t stand my mother being taken away, I can’t stand my friends being away, I can’t stand my job, I can’t stand these people, I can’t stand this place.
And all I want to do is run, but I can’t run.
I can run, but freedom ain’t free, and running comes at a cost.
And I can’t fucking stand capitalism.
I can’t stand money, I can’t stand our “system”, I can’t stand the poor staying poor, I can’t stand being looked down on and frowned upon, and I can’t stand the lack of fucking choice.
And the one time I made my fucking choice, it got fucking taken from me.
And I’m so tired.
And so hurt.
And I want it to all stop spinning.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
I’m not usually into little cliche phrases, but after last night, I’ve just about had it down to my last straw.
After I left Nate that note, he ignored it for a while and didn’t read it. Continued with all the problematic behaviors until I snapped and told him to leave.
Well, we both left for work, and when I got home, he was still awake and wanted to talk. So we talked. He had read my letter. He told me understood everything I had to say. Agreed to work on it and continue our relationship. I made sure to elaborate again that the consent issue is a deal-breaker.
And he did fine. Until last night. He fucking did it again.
I climbed into bed, and he rubbed my back and the sides of my legs a bit. Which was fine. But then when I was relaxed and breathing rhythmically, he started doing more. Kept going.
He must have thought I was asleep because if I’d move, he’d stop, wait, and then start again.
Honestly, I was just so fucking speechless. Especially that he was trying to do it by SNEAKING. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to call him a disgusting asshole for going back on my trust after we had come to an agreement that THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Once he started jerking off, I just left the bed without a word and slept on the couch.
I’m at a dead end. After all that I have tried, if he is still trying to touch me without consent and doing it by trying for me to NOT EVEN KNOW, I can only conclude that he has absolutely no respect for me.
Once again, he has used my body against my will to get him off.
It sickens me that I’m with a guy like this, and I really think it’s just time to call it quits. I don’t think it’s going to work out.
After I left Nate that note, he ignored it for a while and didn’t read it. Continued with all the problematic behaviors until I snapped and told him to leave.
Well, we both left for work, and when I got home, he was still awake and wanted to talk. So we talked. He had read my letter. He told me understood everything I had to say. Agreed to work on it and continue our relationship. I made sure to elaborate again that the consent issue is a deal-breaker.
And he did fine. Until last night. He fucking did it again.
I climbed into bed, and he rubbed my back and the sides of my legs a bit. Which was fine. But then when I was relaxed and breathing rhythmically, he started doing more. Kept going.
He must have thought I was asleep because if I’d move, he’d stop, wait, and then start again.
Honestly, I was just so fucking speechless. Especially that he was trying to do it by SNEAKING. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to call him a disgusting asshole for going back on my trust after we had come to an agreement that THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Once he started jerking off, I just left the bed without a word and slept on the couch.
I’m at a dead end. After all that I have tried, if he is still trying to touch me without consent and doing it by trying for me to NOT EVEN KNOW, I can only conclude that he has absolutely no respect for me.
Once again, he has used my body against my will to get him off.
It sickens me that I’m with a guy like this, and I really think it’s just time to call it quits. I don’t think it’s going to work out.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
One More Attempt
I wrote a letter to Nate in an attempt to start a REAL discussion about what’s going on in our relationship. Hopefully he will respond maturely and with an attitude focused on healing and not blaming. I guess we’ll see…
Nate,In looking for advice on how to talk to you about our relationship problems, I stumbled across a little article on relationship responsibilities. We both have responsibilities to ourselves and to each other, and I think that lately we have been so worried about our own needs that we have been failing to be considerate of each other. Here is the list.What Are Our Responsibilities?In our ongoing romantic relationships, whether or not sex is involved, we have great responsibilities to ourselves and to our partners. We need to:
Nate,In looking for advice on how to talk to you about our relationship problems, I stumbled across a little article on relationship responsibilities. We both have responsibilities to ourselves and to each other, and I think that lately we have been so worried about our own needs that we have been failing to be considerate of each other. Here is the list.What Are Our Responsibilities?In our ongoing romantic relationships, whether or not sex is involved, we have great responsibilities to ourselves and to our partners. We need to:
- Listen and be listened to. We need to hear our partners’ thoughts, feelings, and ideas. We should also expect our partners to care about what we have to say.
- Be honest and expect honesty. We need to be truthful with each other about what we do, think, and feel.
- Share our feelings and expect our partners to share theirs. We need to be able to say what is on our minds and know that we will react to one another respectfully.
- Disagree and allow disagreement. Partners often have different desires, opinions, and ideas. They have the right to think differently. Partners need to respect each others’ unique points of view.
- Be fair and expect to be treated fairly. Partners need to be considerate of each other and treat each other equally in their relationships.
- Consider our partners’ needs and have ours considered. Decisions that affect both partners should be made together with one another’s well-being in mind. Partners need to be able to compromise.
- Give support and be supported. Partners need to support one another’s emotional needs.
- Help our partners feel good about themselves and expect the same in return. Partners need to acknowledge one another’s efforts and accomplishments.
- Forgive and expect forgiveness. No one is perfect, and making mistakes is a normal part of life. If we apologize and are forgiven, we can move on. We shouldn’t constantly remind one another of past mistakes.
- Let our partners use their own money as they like and expect the same in return. We should all be allowed to make our own decisions on how we spend our own money. We also have a responsibility to live up to whatever financial commitments we have made together.
- Respect our partners’ needs for other relationships and expect the same in return. We all have a right to friendships outside of our primary relationships. Spending time apart with family and friends is normal and healthy.
- Respect our partners’ privacy and need for time apart and expect the same in return. We all need privacy and time apart from one another — alone or with others. It is not fair to be angry or treat someone badly for wanting time apart.
- Respect our partners’ need to feel safe and secure and expect the same in return. We all need to always feel safe and secure. Physical or emotional abuse, threats, or violence are deal breakers and end our responsibility to try to maintain our relationships.
- Respect our partners sexually and expect the same in return. Whenever we have sex, we should be attentive to each other’s pleasure. We should always have each other’s consent, and we should never use pressure to get consent. We should share in the responsibility of guarding ourselves and our partners against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection. And we should always be clear about what we want to do and respect what our partners want to do sexually.
It’s all pretty basic, but we’ve both been slacking off. Whether it’s due to fatigue, stress, or relational complacency, it’s obvious we’ve both got some touching up to do.And people’s needs can change over time. This is always important to keep in mind, and it’s very important that we both feel comfortable enough to talk to each other about our needs and concerns or else our relationship is never going to work out. If it continues as it is now, it will lead to bitterness, anger, and resentment.So, I would like to start out by saying that is IS okay to have different opinions. I will acknowledge (and you have it in writing) that I have a TERRIBLE habit of brushing off other opinions as nonsensical. And I do it to you too. And (whether or not the opinion actually is totally bizarre) this is not okay. I quite often have problems talking to you for this very same reason because I anticipate your reaction and remain quiet. We need to come to an understanding on this if we are to build mutual respect for each other’s thoughts, feelings, and ideas. We will probably still disagree on many things, and that is okay.This all ties in very closely to listening/being listened to, being honest, sharing our feelings, treating each other fairly, and mutual support and consideration of each other’s needs. Different opinions and feelings will need to be heard on both sides with varying needs/requirements in order to be fair and supportive.
And we will both MOST definitely continue to make mistakes. And is to be expected, and we should regard each other’s mistakes with forgiveness However, there are some things in relationships where the behavior of one person can be a deal-breaker with the other if it is not taken seriously and addressed. Forgiveness does not mean to forsake your own needs and it is not a get out of fail free card.Following this very basic outline will lead to us feeling safe, secure, and mutually respected within our relationship.The last few points on the list specifically pertain to issues that have come up for me (and I highly encourage you to write to me in return to outline your own issues, without blame).Respect our partner’s needs for other relationships and expect the same in return. It says that spending time apart with family and friends is normal and healthy, and I could not agree more. We all needs friends and family. And some of my very close friends live in Washington, and I desire time with them. All I ask is that you respect this need. Two weeks is not very long in the grand scheme of things. Although I may not like all your friends, I still respect that they are your friends and do not complain when you leave the house to spend time with them or when you invite them over. It is unfortunate that my friends live in Washington and that my time gone will be much longer than a few hours, but I still need this same basic respect regarding my other relationships. And sometimes people also just need time apart. This is nothing to be ashamed about, and as the list says, it is not fair to be angry or treat me badly (or threaten me with ultimatums) for wanting this.Money. Stated quite plainly, we should all be allowed to make our own decisions on how we spend our own money, while living up to whatever financial commitments we have made together. I was not thrilled when you told me how I could better spend my money than using it to fly to Washington. I do not tell you how to spend your money, and I expect the same courtesy. Since we live together, all I expect is that the bills are equally split as part of a financial agreement. You, the internet plus half the electric minus $50 (for the internet). I, half the electric plus $50 (to make up the amount subtracted from your half for the internet). I think this is very fair, since we both make about the same amount of money. And you have told me that you will do this, but when the bill arrives, your portion is always missing from the bill tin. It will be much easier to manage for you and less stress for me to know that I will have the money to pay it before it gets here. If that means putting $20 in there every few days (since you get paid daily), that’s fine. I just need to see a little more reliability on this.Respect our partners sexually and expect the same in return. THIS is my deal breaker. I need consent. Consent is:-Consent is a voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement.-Consent is an active agreement: Consent cannot be coerced.-Consent is a process, which must be asked for every step of the way; if you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy, just ask.-Consent is never implied and cannot be assumed, even in the context of a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have permission to have sex with your partner.-A person who is intoxicated cannot legally give consent. If you’re too drunk to make decisions and communicate with your partner, you’re too drunk to consent.
-The absence of a “no” doesn’t mean “yes”.
-Both people should be involved in the decision to have sex.Now, the intoxicated one can change depending on the situation. If I state before drinking that having sex while I’m drunk is okay, then it is. Otherwise, it is not. Also, “maybe” means “no”. In past personal experiences, when I have told people maybe, they have held it over my head and used it to coerce me. That is not consent. That is force. If I say “maybe” and later change it to a “yes” without persuasion or force, then it is a “yes”.Also, I need to point out again that a partner DOES NOT have consent when the other is sleeping. Just because I am not awake to say “no”, does not mean it is a “yes”. Just because we are in a relationship, does not mean it’s a “yes”. Now, some people may agree to sleep sex. Some people enjoy it and will give their partner(s) permission to do this, but with me, it is a “no”. And when I say no, I don’t just mean penetration. Do not grab my boobs, do not grope my ass, do not touch my vagina when I am sleeping. Cuddling is okay. There are several reasons this is a no for me.1. I need to sleep. I work late and have problems falling asleep as it is. I do not wake up well rested if I have been awoken (or kept up) multiple times a night.2. Having sex in the middle of the night is often done without protection. I am not on birth control, but we do have condoms and VCF. The problem with these is that they must be used every time we have sex, and usually we (or you) are not getting out of bed to grab them. I don’t want to end up pregnant again, so it is safer to agree to sex while we are both awake and active and less likely to forget protection.3. It doesn’t happen frequently, but sometimes when you have touched me sexually in my sleep, I have awoken to memories of my molestation as a child. This is not fun, and it is not a way to prelude sex with a loved partner.And if I ever say no for any other reason, even if I don’t tell you the reason, it is LEGIT. I own my body, and I make all decisions regarding its use. I understand that this may lead to feeling let down or rejected. I understand what it’s like to be horny and not get to have sex. But coercing me or trying to make me feel bad by shaming me for not lending my body to you is NOT and NEVER is okay.Just think. What kind of guy wants to have sex with someone who isn’t interested? And why would you even want that? If both partners don’t REALLY want it, what’s the point?Sex is a shared experience, just like love. Something that is supposed to be enjoyed and pleasurable for everyone involved. Something healing, that brings people closer. It’s not about possession, and it is never something owed to someone, whether that person is the cause of your erection or whether they’re just sleeping in your bed. But sex also does not = love. Just because I may not have sex with you for whatever reason, it does not mean I hate you or that I don’t love you. I simply have other needs or needs that aren’t being met.I am going to be sleeping in another room until we finish working this stuff out and come to a mutual agreement. I simply want a re-connection and not a continuing tug-of-war, so that we don’t do further damage. Then I will move back in once we are in clear agreement.Please, pleease, take the time to read and reply to this. I still love you, and I just want to work through the tough things.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Beginning of the End?
So.
I got into a disagreement with Nate today. It started off with me texting him while he was at work, telling him he had left a practically full jar of sauce on the table overnight and that he needs to start putting food away when he’s done because it’s been happening frequently.
This small request to not waste food led into him getting upset because I guess the only time I talk to him is when I tell him he needs to do something and that it makes him upset.
Well, since I’ve been meaning to talk to him about it anyway, I decided to let him know what’s been making me upset about his own behavior in and around our relationship. Which includes touching me without my consent (often while I’m sleeping) and his lack of help as a general household member (e.g. dishes, laundry, picking up after Alexander, throwing his own trash away, etc.). I then proceeded to inform him this is why I’ve been distant because even after asking repeatedly for help around the house (the non-consent issues were brought up the first time in this conversation), he has failed to meet my simple requests for balance. I also informed him these non-consent issues are, in addition, why I have lost interest in having sex with him.
Because nobody enjoys feeling like a house maid and a sex toy.
He didn’t bother to even respond to the housework issue, but immediately became defensive about the sex issue. “Sorry, I’ll never touch you ever again.” and “You don’t even act like you love me.” And so it goes.
When I was a child, I was repeatedly molested by a family member. In my sleep. Some nights when Nate does this to me, I wake up triggered. It makes me feel disgusting. It made me lose interest in even sleeping in bed with him because I’m afraid he’ll do it again and again. (As a matter of fact, I slept in another room for a few days because of this.) When I pointed this out, he ignored it. Retorted that MY loss of interest IS THE PROBLEM.
No sir. Your fucking blatant disregard of consent and the trigger of my painful childhood memories is the damn problem. If I am not awake, there is NOT consent. You have been molesting me.
Then, to top the cake, he flatly says, “I don’t want you to go Washington.”
His reasoning is as follows:
I got into a disagreement with Nate today. It started off with me texting him while he was at work, telling him he had left a practically full jar of sauce on the table overnight and that he needs to start putting food away when he’s done because it’s been happening frequently.
This small request to not waste food led into him getting upset because I guess the only time I talk to him is when I tell him he needs to do something and that it makes him upset.
Well, since I’ve been meaning to talk to him about it anyway, I decided to let him know what’s been making me upset about his own behavior in and around our relationship. Which includes touching me without my consent (often while I’m sleeping) and his lack of help as a general household member (e.g. dishes, laundry, picking up after Alexander, throwing his own trash away, etc.). I then proceeded to inform him this is why I’ve been distant because even after asking repeatedly for help around the house (the non-consent issues were brought up the first time in this conversation), he has failed to meet my simple requests for balance. I also informed him these non-consent issues are, in addition, why I have lost interest in having sex with him.
Because nobody enjoys feeling like a house maid and a sex toy.
He didn’t bother to even respond to the housework issue, but immediately became defensive about the sex issue. “Sorry, I’ll never touch you ever again.” and “You don’t even act like you love me.” And so it goes.
When I was a child, I was repeatedly molested by a family member. In my sleep. Some nights when Nate does this to me, I wake up triggered. It makes me feel disgusting. It made me lose interest in even sleeping in bed with him because I’m afraid he’ll do it again and again. (As a matter of fact, I slept in another room for a few days because of this.) When I pointed this out, he ignored it. Retorted that MY loss of interest IS THE PROBLEM.
No sir. Your fucking blatant disregard of consent and the trigger of my painful childhood memories is the damn problem. If I am not awake, there is NOT consent. You have been molesting me.
Then, to top the cake, he flatly says, “I don’t want you to go Washington.”
His reasoning is as follows:
- "Because we are together, and we are supposed to do things together, and you’re leaving me for two weeks."
- I’m going without him and Alexander.
- Without a license, what will he do in case of an emergency and what will he do for food/pull-ups/etc?
- The money I’d be spending could be “better used to help our current situation”.
My response:
- Yes, we are together, but we can still do things together and separately. (Even asked if we still had our movie gift card from Christmas so we could go see a movie.)
- For emergencies, dial 911.
- For food and stuff, I will stock it before I leave. Simple things like milk can be bought at the gas station a few blocks from the house.
- Why are you policing my money that I earn and what money have you put into anything? (I still have to ask him for money for the damn electric bill.)
Even though I met his questions/concerns with reasonable answers, he still decided to give me the ultimatum: if you go, we’re over.
He was “going to let [me] go” until I started “acting like [I] hate him” for “something [he] apparently did”.
Apparently? I laid it out pretty fucking clear.
But since he is telling me he needs me and I want to “run away” to Washington, he feels like it’s him or “them”.
Excuse me, but weren’t YOU the one making the ultimatum? YOU are the one MAKING this into “you or them”. YOU are setting yourself up for failure if you so desperately need me.
I tried explaining what this trip would do for me. About Landmark and how it will help with our relationship and my life in general, about how seeing my friends is a hugely needed opportunity, about how I need a break to learn and think about things going on in my life. He called me selfish for this several times. Because caring for myself is an evil thing.
At this point, I switched tactics because arguing reasonably with this man is pointless. I told him what I needed to feel comfortable again and proposed a way to do it, and then asked him what he needed in return and what he would suggest to make it happen.
We talked about that for a bit, then ran around back to me going to Washington. He just doooesn’t want me to. Which is not a reason at all. And he’s scared because “something will happen, and [he] won’t be able to handle it”.
Now this last part (he didn’t elaborate when I asked what was so obviously going to happen) I believe is in reference to a part of a conversation he read between Ann and I while I was sitting on his lap Saturday checking my Facebook.
The message sent to me was:
He was “going to let [me] go” until I started “acting like [I] hate him” for “something [he] apparently did”.
Apparently? I laid it out pretty fucking clear.
But since he is telling me he needs me and I want to “run away” to Washington, he feels like it’s him or “them”.
Excuse me, but weren’t YOU the one making the ultimatum? YOU are the one MAKING this into “you or them”. YOU are setting yourself up for failure if you so desperately need me.
I tried explaining what this trip would do for me. About Landmark and how it will help with our relationship and my life in general, about how seeing my friends is a hugely needed opportunity, about how I need a break to learn and think about things going on in my life. He called me selfish for this several times. Because caring for myself is an evil thing.
At this point, I switched tactics because arguing reasonably with this man is pointless. I told him what I needed to feel comfortable again and proposed a way to do it, and then asked him what he needed in return and what he would suggest to make it happen.
We talked about that for a bit, then ran around back to me going to Washington. He just doooesn’t want me to. Which is not a reason at all. And he’s scared because “something will happen, and [he] won’t be able to handle it”.
Now this last part (he didn’t elaborate when I asked what was so obviously going to happen) I believe is in reference to a part of a conversation he read between Ann and I while I was sitting on his lap Saturday checking my Facebook.
The message sent to me was:
"Hi! Question of the evening: How do you define your relationship with Nate? Like primary/exclusive/open…
Nathan and I both think it would be a very good idea to be clear before any flirting or such ensues.
Nathan and I both think it would be a very good idea to be clear before any flirting or such ensues.
We would be most comfortable hearing from both of you about what’s okay and within your relationship parameters so we make sure there is no over-steppage”
I’m not sure what parts he read of this, but somehow interpreted it as me having an open relationship type thing with Ann and Nathan, so I’m going to go there and be all flirty with them. (Another reason he doesn’t want me to go.)
I explained to him what was actually said, and stated that I’d be more than happy to show him the entire conversation, including previous messages on the same topic.
But I /think/ that’s what he meant by “something happening”. Just a theory on that one though.
He eventually just said “Whatever. Go to Washington, I won’t break up with you, but I’ll be mad at you forever. Worst birthday present ever!”
Then as a side note, he said if I don’t want him to touch me, don’t sleep in HIS bed until I’M ready to be sexual. Because just being around me turns him on so much he can’t sleep, and since I’m right there he can’t help himself. And it hurts his feelings to be turned down.
Yes, you read that right. He can’t help himself. He can’t help it that he touches me without consent. That he sticks his fingers where they don’t belong while I’m asleep. Can’t fucking help it. It’s your fault because you’re in my bed.
You know what that is? That’s the kind of excuse a rapist uses. That they couldn’t help themselves and that it was the girl’s fault for putting herself into that position.
I was utterly disgusted at this point.
When I explained to him what was wrong with that entire statement, he told me I was being mean, that he was just proposing a solution.
I told him it was not a solution, that it would just prolong the problem and that he was clearly missing what the actual problem even is.
But it only made sense to him because it’s HIS bed, and how is he supposed to know when I want sex or not if he doesn’t touch me first? He lies awake every single night horny, but if I’m not there he doesn’t think about it. “But fine. You don’t want to listen to me, so I guess I’ll just suffer and forget about sleeping ever again.”
My reply: You ask. With words.
"Well, if there’s no arousal, the answer will always be no."
I explained to him that women work the same way men do, and that I didn’t need someone to arouse me themselves in order for me to ever want sex. Didn’t you just say you lie awake every night horny? By your logic, if I didn’t arouse you, then who did?
He quit talking to me at this point.
Quite frankly, I learned a lot about what he thinks of me from this conversation. And while he claims to love me, it does not look good. I’m contemplating whether or not I should just leave him. Because a lot of this is just alarming to me. I’m starting to feel unsafe.
The “I can’t help myself” statement brings up fear of rape. The controlling ultimatums make me cringe, make me feel caged with no choices. His appalling belief that self-care and -respect are selfish and undesirable baffles me.
I feel like he’s trying to turn me into a cowering fucking house wife.
There is nothing left in this relationship that interests me anymore. Not with ideas like this in his head. Ones he refuses to challenge. I don’t have space anymore for my own growth. If anything, my growth has been squashed and poisoned.
This environment being created for us is toxic, and I’m not sure there is an antidote.
Where to go from here…
I’m not sure what parts he read of this, but somehow interpreted it as me having an open relationship type thing with Ann and Nathan, so I’m going to go there and be all flirty with them. (Another reason he doesn’t want me to go.)
I explained to him what was actually said, and stated that I’d be more than happy to show him the entire conversation, including previous messages on the same topic.
But I /think/ that’s what he meant by “something happening”. Just a theory on that one though.
He eventually just said “Whatever. Go to Washington, I won’t break up with you, but I’ll be mad at you forever. Worst birthday present ever!”
Then as a side note, he said if I don’t want him to touch me, don’t sleep in HIS bed until I’M ready to be sexual. Because just being around me turns him on so much he can’t sleep, and since I’m right there he can’t help himself. And it hurts his feelings to be turned down.
Yes, you read that right. He can’t help himself. He can’t help it that he touches me without consent. That he sticks his fingers where they don’t belong while I’m asleep. Can’t fucking help it. It’s your fault because you’re in my bed.
You know what that is? That’s the kind of excuse a rapist uses. That they couldn’t help themselves and that it was the girl’s fault for putting herself into that position.
I was utterly disgusted at this point.
When I explained to him what was wrong with that entire statement, he told me I was being mean, that he was just proposing a solution.
I told him it was not a solution, that it would just prolong the problem and that he was clearly missing what the actual problem even is.
But it only made sense to him because it’s HIS bed, and how is he supposed to know when I want sex or not if he doesn’t touch me first? He lies awake every single night horny, but if I’m not there he doesn’t think about it. “But fine. You don’t want to listen to me, so I guess I’ll just suffer and forget about sleeping ever again.”
My reply: You ask. With words.
"Well, if there’s no arousal, the answer will always be no."
I explained to him that women work the same way men do, and that I didn’t need someone to arouse me themselves in order for me to ever want sex. Didn’t you just say you lie awake every night horny? By your logic, if I didn’t arouse you, then who did?
He quit talking to me at this point.
Quite frankly, I learned a lot about what he thinks of me from this conversation. And while he claims to love me, it does not look good. I’m contemplating whether or not I should just leave him. Because a lot of this is just alarming to me. I’m starting to feel unsafe.
The “I can’t help myself” statement brings up fear of rape. The controlling ultimatums make me cringe, make me feel caged with no choices. His appalling belief that self-care and -respect are selfish and undesirable baffles me.
I feel like he’s trying to turn me into a cowering fucking house wife.
There is nothing left in this relationship that interests me anymore. Not with ideas like this in his head. Ones he refuses to challenge. I don’t have space anymore for my own growth. If anything, my growth has been squashed and poisoned.
This environment being created for us is toxic, and I’m not sure there is an antidote.
Where to go from here…
Friday, January 25, 2013
Licensing, Banks. Vacation, Home.
Earlier this week or late last week (I’m terrible at referencing days, they all seem to slide together.) I went to Beacon - a credit union - to set up a checking and savings account. (Actually, I just wanted checking, but apparently I have to start with a savings. Damn banks.)
When they tried to run me through the Chex system, they found out that it was down, so they weren’t able to bring up my previous banking history. They told me to come back later.
Instead I went to PNC to try there. Their Chex system was down too, (same system, I think Beacon said it was probably a nationwide thing) but they ran a credit check as well.
Well, my credit came back as bad, so they wouldn’t allow me to open a free checking account. Instead they offered a bunch of alternative crap with low limited cash withdrawals, monthly fees, pre-loaded cards, blah. Blah. Blah.
Not paying fees for a service I can get for free just because I have a medical bill on my record. No thanks, smell ya later.
On to today…
Went to Beacon again and the Chex was working. I knew I’d clear it cause I called AFB and they informed me my old account closed with my small overdraft waived - balance of 0.
I opened up a savings account for $25. Which always has to hold a minimum of $25. But I should be getting my card within 10-14 business days or something. I’m going to go back and open up the checking account when I get my next check.
But the whole point of this exercise was to have an account for my tax return to be deposited into because it will ensure that I’ll receive it faster. So I’m good to go here!
While I was out and about, I finallyyy went and got my license switched. I was only about 9 months late, right?
I took the written several weeks ago, so I just had to pay the outrageous $21 for a plastic card and get my picture taken after offering up the tribute of my life on paper. Organ donor, check. Register to vote, later.
My chubby-cheeked Washington license gone, I am now an officially licensed driver of the state of Indiana. When the card arrives in the mail. Wooo.
I promptly proceeded home and got ready for work.
The manager who does our schedules was there, so I asked her about my two week leave in March, if it was approved. She said if we can find someone else to close.
Ummm, we have at least two other closers with SOCs? At least two more who know how to close? That’s four people, you only need two? For two weeks? I gave you plenty of advance? Can you at least check with these people, make sure it’s okay with them, and give me a straight answer? I asked you a week ago and kindly asked for a response ASAP. I was assured it wouldn’t be a problem by your fellow managers, but your attitude was rather smug.
Tim told me that’s just how she is, but her tone and the look she gave me just pinched a nerve a bit, I guess.
Nevertheless, I still have some time before I even have the money to buy my airplane tickets. I just really hope I get an actual response before then, because I’m going to buy the tickets with or without confirmation. I can’t wait too long or they’ll be hella expensive. Especially right around Spring Break for school.
And I’d be very disappointed if I couldn’t go. To say the least.
The house is a bit warmer tonight, but I’m still wearing two pairs of socks with slippers over cold toes. And phalanges. (My meandering in forensic anthropology novels is showing again.)
I called my mom and begged her to call the bank to inquire about my money again. I either need to move out and sell this shit hole or fix it up so we’re not freezing or burning up with each season. Paying $400 a month on electricity to live in a 55 degree hut is not flying too well with me.
There’s a nice little house with a garage down the street, $1800 down, $426/month rent to own by owner. It is calling my naaame. I could sell this lot, beyond reasonable at 10k for a corner lot. I think the court house appraisal said it was 18k for the lot alone, not including the trailer. Put some on the house, put some on any possible repairs. Not freeze to death.
And I know the cop two houses down wants this lot. He owns the house between us as well. I think Crystal said he wants to build a garage or something. But he only offered her $3000 and told her to move the trailer. Probably costs that much to move the damn trailer. :/
Bleh. Anywho, this entry is hella long and it is hella late. I’ll take my daydreams about a warm house to bed with me.
When they tried to run me through the Chex system, they found out that it was down, so they weren’t able to bring up my previous banking history. They told me to come back later.
Instead I went to PNC to try there. Their Chex system was down too, (same system, I think Beacon said it was probably a nationwide thing) but they ran a credit check as well.
Well, my credit came back as bad, so they wouldn’t allow me to open a free checking account. Instead they offered a bunch of alternative crap with low limited cash withdrawals, monthly fees, pre-loaded cards, blah. Blah. Blah.
Not paying fees for a service I can get for free just because I have a medical bill on my record. No thanks, smell ya later.
On to today…
Went to Beacon again and the Chex was working. I knew I’d clear it cause I called AFB and they informed me my old account closed with my small overdraft waived - balance of 0.
I opened up a savings account for $25. Which always has to hold a minimum of $25. But I should be getting my card within 10-14 business days or something. I’m going to go back and open up the checking account when I get my next check.
But the whole point of this exercise was to have an account for my tax return to be deposited into because it will ensure that I’ll receive it faster. So I’m good to go here!
While I was out and about, I finallyyy went and got my license switched. I was only about 9 months late, right?
I took the written several weeks ago, so I just had to pay the outrageous $21 for a plastic card and get my picture taken after offering up the tribute of my life on paper. Organ donor, check. Register to vote, later.
My chubby-cheeked Washington license gone, I am now an officially licensed driver of the state of Indiana. When the card arrives in the mail. Wooo.
I promptly proceeded home and got ready for work.
The manager who does our schedules was there, so I asked her about my two week leave in March, if it was approved. She said if we can find someone else to close.
Ummm, we have at least two other closers with SOCs? At least two more who know how to close? That’s four people, you only need two? For two weeks? I gave you plenty of advance? Can you at least check with these people, make sure it’s okay with them, and give me a straight answer? I asked you a week ago and kindly asked for a response ASAP. I was assured it wouldn’t be a problem by your fellow managers, but your attitude was rather smug.
Tim told me that’s just how she is, but her tone and the look she gave me just pinched a nerve a bit, I guess.
Nevertheless, I still have some time before I even have the money to buy my airplane tickets. I just really hope I get an actual response before then, because I’m going to buy the tickets with or without confirmation. I can’t wait too long or they’ll be hella expensive. Especially right around Spring Break for school.
And I’d be very disappointed if I couldn’t go. To say the least.
The house is a bit warmer tonight, but I’m still wearing two pairs of socks with slippers over cold toes. And phalanges. (My meandering in forensic anthropology novels is showing again.)
I called my mom and begged her to call the bank to inquire about my money again. I either need to move out and sell this shit hole or fix it up so we’re not freezing or burning up with each season. Paying $400 a month on electricity to live in a 55 degree hut is not flying too well with me.
There’s a nice little house with a garage down the street, $1800 down, $426/month rent to own by owner. It is calling my naaame. I could sell this lot, beyond reasonable at 10k for a corner lot. I think the court house appraisal said it was 18k for the lot alone, not including the trailer. Put some on the house, put some on any possible repairs. Not freeze to death.
And I know the cop two houses down wants this lot. He owns the house between us as well. I think Crystal said he wants to build a garage or something. But he only offered her $3000 and told her to move the trailer. Probably costs that much to move the damn trailer. :/
Bleh. Anywho, this entry is hella long and it is hella late. I’ll take my daydreams about a warm house to bed with me.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Errands...? Home Improvement!
I went home and checked the mail. I got a form in the mail, a food stamp interim contact form, that I have already filled out and sent back in. But since I finally got my pay raise on Friday’s paycheck, I figured I’d fill it out and send that one in with my change in pay. (Since apparently they didn’t receive the other one or are just impatient jerks.)
So I leave the house and realize the computer lab at the library is closed. Can’t photocopy my pay stub. So I think, to hell with it, I’ll just send them my original pay stub. Whatever.
Go to the post office and they are also closed.
Whyyy must everyone be closed mid-day on Saturdays? I have the day off AND the motivation to leave the house to do shit I need to do, and nothing.
Hopefully I’ll feel up to it again before work on Monday. But I’ll probably have to wait til next payday for the car again. They probably wouldn’t have it finished in time for me to go work, and I kind of bought a new TV stand I found (original intention was to buy shoes…) because it was on sale. They had a shitty shoe selection, but at least I can get rid of the big piece of garbage that was here when I moved in that served as the TV stand. lol
But in order to replace the TV stand, I also needed to buy something to store our DVDs and games in. Which was also on sale. But our little set up looks very nice, and I now have non-cluttery furniture in my little trailer that is all my own and can move with me when the time comes. (:
Speaking of furniture, there was this beautiful 5 piece dining room set that was on sale for $399.99. The table was faux marble, but ohhh. I kept petting it, everyone must have thought I was crazy. lol I’ve always had this thing for interior design. Plus all my chairs are about to fall apart. (Other already present furniture upon my arrival here.)
One day I will have comfy, operable furniture that reflects my own taste. One day.
Well, here is a picture of what I spent my day doing after my failed errand running.
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