So.
I got into a disagreement with Nate today. It started off with me texting him while he was at work, telling him he had left a practically full jar of sauce on the table overnight and that he needs to start putting food away when he’s done because it’s been happening frequently.
This small request to not waste food led into him getting upset because I guess the only time I talk to him is when I tell him he needs to do something and that it makes him upset.
Well, since I’ve been meaning to talk to him about it anyway, I decided to let him know what’s been making me upset about his own behavior in and around our relationship. Which includes touching me without my consent (often while I’m sleeping) and his lack of help as a general household member (e.g. dishes, laundry, picking up after Alexander, throwing his own trash away, etc.). I then proceeded to inform him this is why I’ve been distant because even after asking repeatedly for help around the house (the non-consent issues were brought up the first time in this conversation), he has failed to meet my simple requests for balance. I also informed him these non-consent issues are, in addition, why I have lost interest in having sex with him.
Because nobody enjoys feeling like a house maid and a sex toy.
He didn’t bother to even respond to the housework issue, but immediately became defensive about the sex issue. “Sorry, I’ll never touch you ever again.” and “You don’t even act like you love me.” And so it goes.
When I was a child, I was repeatedly molested by a family member. In my sleep. Some nights when Nate does this to me, I wake up triggered. It makes me feel disgusting. It made me lose interest in even sleeping in bed with him because I’m afraid he’ll do it again and again. (As a matter of fact, I slept in another room for a few days because of this.) When I pointed this out, he ignored it. Retorted that MY loss of interest IS THE PROBLEM.
No sir. Your fucking blatant disregard of consent and the trigger of my painful childhood memories is the damn problem. If I am not awake, there is NOT consent. You have been molesting me.
Then, to top the cake, he flatly says, “I don’t want you to go Washington.”
His reasoning is as follows:
I got into a disagreement with Nate today. It started off with me texting him while he was at work, telling him he had left a practically full jar of sauce on the table overnight and that he needs to start putting food away when he’s done because it’s been happening frequently.
This small request to not waste food led into him getting upset because I guess the only time I talk to him is when I tell him he needs to do something and that it makes him upset.
Well, since I’ve been meaning to talk to him about it anyway, I decided to let him know what’s been making me upset about his own behavior in and around our relationship. Which includes touching me without my consent (often while I’m sleeping) and his lack of help as a general household member (e.g. dishes, laundry, picking up after Alexander, throwing his own trash away, etc.). I then proceeded to inform him this is why I’ve been distant because even after asking repeatedly for help around the house (the non-consent issues were brought up the first time in this conversation), he has failed to meet my simple requests for balance. I also informed him these non-consent issues are, in addition, why I have lost interest in having sex with him.
Because nobody enjoys feeling like a house maid and a sex toy.
He didn’t bother to even respond to the housework issue, but immediately became defensive about the sex issue. “Sorry, I’ll never touch you ever again.” and “You don’t even act like you love me.” And so it goes.
When I was a child, I was repeatedly molested by a family member. In my sleep. Some nights when Nate does this to me, I wake up triggered. It makes me feel disgusting. It made me lose interest in even sleeping in bed with him because I’m afraid he’ll do it again and again. (As a matter of fact, I slept in another room for a few days because of this.) When I pointed this out, he ignored it. Retorted that MY loss of interest IS THE PROBLEM.
No sir. Your fucking blatant disregard of consent and the trigger of my painful childhood memories is the damn problem. If I am not awake, there is NOT consent. You have been molesting me.
Then, to top the cake, he flatly says, “I don’t want you to go Washington.”
His reasoning is as follows:
- "Because we are together, and we are supposed to do things together, and you’re leaving me for two weeks."
- I’m going without him and Alexander.
- Without a license, what will he do in case of an emergency and what will he do for food/pull-ups/etc?
- The money I’d be spending could be “better used to help our current situation”.
My response:
- Yes, we are together, but we can still do things together and separately. (Even asked if we still had our movie gift card from Christmas so we could go see a movie.)
- For emergencies, dial 911.
- For food and stuff, I will stock it before I leave. Simple things like milk can be bought at the gas station a few blocks from the house.
- Why are you policing my money that I earn and what money have you put into anything? (I still have to ask him for money for the damn electric bill.)
Even though I met his questions/concerns with reasonable answers, he still decided to give me the ultimatum: if you go, we’re over.
He was “going to let [me] go” until I started “acting like [I] hate him” for “something [he] apparently did”.
Apparently? I laid it out pretty fucking clear.
But since he is telling me he needs me and I want to “run away” to Washington, he feels like it’s him or “them”.
Excuse me, but weren’t YOU the one making the ultimatum? YOU are the one MAKING this into “you or them”. YOU are setting yourself up for failure if you so desperately need me.
I tried explaining what this trip would do for me. About Landmark and how it will help with our relationship and my life in general, about how seeing my friends is a hugely needed opportunity, about how I need a break to learn and think about things going on in my life. He called me selfish for this several times. Because caring for myself is an evil thing.
At this point, I switched tactics because arguing reasonably with this man is pointless. I told him what I needed to feel comfortable again and proposed a way to do it, and then asked him what he needed in return and what he would suggest to make it happen.
We talked about that for a bit, then ran around back to me going to Washington. He just doooesn’t want me to. Which is not a reason at all. And he’s scared because “something will happen, and [he] won’t be able to handle it”.
Now this last part (he didn’t elaborate when I asked what was so obviously going to happen) I believe is in reference to a part of a conversation he read between Ann and I while I was sitting on his lap Saturday checking my Facebook.
The message sent to me was:
He was “going to let [me] go” until I started “acting like [I] hate him” for “something [he] apparently did”.
Apparently? I laid it out pretty fucking clear.
But since he is telling me he needs me and I want to “run away” to Washington, he feels like it’s him or “them”.
Excuse me, but weren’t YOU the one making the ultimatum? YOU are the one MAKING this into “you or them”. YOU are setting yourself up for failure if you so desperately need me.
I tried explaining what this trip would do for me. About Landmark and how it will help with our relationship and my life in general, about how seeing my friends is a hugely needed opportunity, about how I need a break to learn and think about things going on in my life. He called me selfish for this several times. Because caring for myself is an evil thing.
At this point, I switched tactics because arguing reasonably with this man is pointless. I told him what I needed to feel comfortable again and proposed a way to do it, and then asked him what he needed in return and what he would suggest to make it happen.
We talked about that for a bit, then ran around back to me going to Washington. He just doooesn’t want me to. Which is not a reason at all. And he’s scared because “something will happen, and [he] won’t be able to handle it”.
Now this last part (he didn’t elaborate when I asked what was so obviously going to happen) I believe is in reference to a part of a conversation he read between Ann and I while I was sitting on his lap Saturday checking my Facebook.
The message sent to me was:
"Hi! Question of the evening: How do you define your relationship with Nate? Like primary/exclusive/open…
Nathan and I both think it would be a very good idea to be clear before any flirting or such ensues.
Nathan and I both think it would be a very good idea to be clear before any flirting or such ensues.
We would be most comfortable hearing from both of you about what’s okay and within your relationship parameters so we make sure there is no over-steppage”
I’m not sure what parts he read of this, but somehow interpreted it as me having an open relationship type thing with Ann and Nathan, so I’m going to go there and be all flirty with them. (Another reason he doesn’t want me to go.)
I explained to him what was actually said, and stated that I’d be more than happy to show him the entire conversation, including previous messages on the same topic.
But I /think/ that’s what he meant by “something happening”. Just a theory on that one though.
He eventually just said “Whatever. Go to Washington, I won’t break up with you, but I’ll be mad at you forever. Worst birthday present ever!”
Then as a side note, he said if I don’t want him to touch me, don’t sleep in HIS bed until I’M ready to be sexual. Because just being around me turns him on so much he can’t sleep, and since I’m right there he can’t help himself. And it hurts his feelings to be turned down.
Yes, you read that right. He can’t help himself. He can’t help it that he touches me without consent. That he sticks his fingers where they don’t belong while I’m asleep. Can’t fucking help it. It’s your fault because you’re in my bed.
You know what that is? That’s the kind of excuse a rapist uses. That they couldn’t help themselves and that it was the girl’s fault for putting herself into that position.
I was utterly disgusted at this point.
When I explained to him what was wrong with that entire statement, he told me I was being mean, that he was just proposing a solution.
I told him it was not a solution, that it would just prolong the problem and that he was clearly missing what the actual problem even is.
But it only made sense to him because it’s HIS bed, and how is he supposed to know when I want sex or not if he doesn’t touch me first? He lies awake every single night horny, but if I’m not there he doesn’t think about it. “But fine. You don’t want to listen to me, so I guess I’ll just suffer and forget about sleeping ever again.”
My reply: You ask. With words.
"Well, if there’s no arousal, the answer will always be no."
I explained to him that women work the same way men do, and that I didn’t need someone to arouse me themselves in order for me to ever want sex. Didn’t you just say you lie awake every night horny? By your logic, if I didn’t arouse you, then who did?
He quit talking to me at this point.
Quite frankly, I learned a lot about what he thinks of me from this conversation. And while he claims to love me, it does not look good. I’m contemplating whether or not I should just leave him. Because a lot of this is just alarming to me. I’m starting to feel unsafe.
The “I can’t help myself” statement brings up fear of rape. The controlling ultimatums make me cringe, make me feel caged with no choices. His appalling belief that self-care and -respect are selfish and undesirable baffles me.
I feel like he’s trying to turn me into a cowering fucking house wife.
There is nothing left in this relationship that interests me anymore. Not with ideas like this in his head. Ones he refuses to challenge. I don’t have space anymore for my own growth. If anything, my growth has been squashed and poisoned.
This environment being created for us is toxic, and I’m not sure there is an antidote.
Where to go from here…
I’m not sure what parts he read of this, but somehow interpreted it as me having an open relationship type thing with Ann and Nathan, so I’m going to go there and be all flirty with them. (Another reason he doesn’t want me to go.)
I explained to him what was actually said, and stated that I’d be more than happy to show him the entire conversation, including previous messages on the same topic.
But I /think/ that’s what he meant by “something happening”. Just a theory on that one though.
He eventually just said “Whatever. Go to Washington, I won’t break up with you, but I’ll be mad at you forever. Worst birthday present ever!”
Then as a side note, he said if I don’t want him to touch me, don’t sleep in HIS bed until I’M ready to be sexual. Because just being around me turns him on so much he can’t sleep, and since I’m right there he can’t help himself. And it hurts his feelings to be turned down.
Yes, you read that right. He can’t help himself. He can’t help it that he touches me without consent. That he sticks his fingers where they don’t belong while I’m asleep. Can’t fucking help it. It’s your fault because you’re in my bed.
You know what that is? That’s the kind of excuse a rapist uses. That they couldn’t help themselves and that it was the girl’s fault for putting herself into that position.
I was utterly disgusted at this point.
When I explained to him what was wrong with that entire statement, he told me I was being mean, that he was just proposing a solution.
I told him it was not a solution, that it would just prolong the problem and that he was clearly missing what the actual problem even is.
But it only made sense to him because it’s HIS bed, and how is he supposed to know when I want sex or not if he doesn’t touch me first? He lies awake every single night horny, but if I’m not there he doesn’t think about it. “But fine. You don’t want to listen to me, so I guess I’ll just suffer and forget about sleeping ever again.”
My reply: You ask. With words.
"Well, if there’s no arousal, the answer will always be no."
I explained to him that women work the same way men do, and that I didn’t need someone to arouse me themselves in order for me to ever want sex. Didn’t you just say you lie awake every night horny? By your logic, if I didn’t arouse you, then who did?
He quit talking to me at this point.
Quite frankly, I learned a lot about what he thinks of me from this conversation. And while he claims to love me, it does not look good. I’m contemplating whether or not I should just leave him. Because a lot of this is just alarming to me. I’m starting to feel unsafe.
The “I can’t help myself” statement brings up fear of rape. The controlling ultimatums make me cringe, make me feel caged with no choices. His appalling belief that self-care and -respect are selfish and undesirable baffles me.
I feel like he’s trying to turn me into a cowering fucking house wife.
There is nothing left in this relationship that interests me anymore. Not with ideas like this in his head. Ones he refuses to challenge. I don’t have space anymore for my own growth. If anything, my growth has been squashed and poisoned.
This environment being created for us is toxic, and I’m not sure there is an antidote.
Where to go from here…
