One More Attempt

I wrote a letter to Nate in an attempt to start a REAL discussion about what’s going on in our relationship. Hopefully he will respond maturely and with an attitude focused on healing and not blaming. I guess we’ll see…

Nate,In looking for advice on how to talk to you about our relationship problems, I stumbled across a little article on relationship responsibilities. We both have responsibilities to ourselves and to each other, and I think that lately we have been so worried about our own needs that we have been failing to be considerate of each other. Here is the list.What Are Our Responsibilities?In our ongoing romantic relationships, whether or not sex is involved, we have great responsibilities to ourselves and to our partners. We need to:

• Listen and be listened to. We need to hear our partners’ thoughts, feelings, and ideas. We should also expect our partners to care about what we have to say.
• Be honest and expect honesty. We need to be truthful with each other about what we do, think, and feel.
• Share our feelings and expect our partners to share theirs. We need to be able to say what is on our minds and know that we will react to one another respectfully.
• Disagree and allow disagreement. Partners often have different desires, opinions, and ideas. They have the right to think differently. Partners need to respect each others’ unique points of view.
• Be fair and expect to be treated fairly. Partners need to be considerate of each other and treat each other equally in their relationships.
• Consider our partners’ needs and have ours considered. Decisions that affect both partners should be made together with one another’s well-being in mind. Partners need to be able to compromise.
• Give support and be supported. Partners need to support one another’s emotional needs.
• Help our partners feel good about themselves and expect the same in return. Partners need to acknowledge one another’s efforts and accomplishments.
• Forgive and expect forgiveness. No one is perfect, and making mistakes is a normal part of life. If we apologize and are forgiven, we can move on. We shouldn’t constantly remind one another of past mistakes.
• Let our partners use their own money as they like and expect the same in return. We should all be allowed to make our own decisions on how we spend our own money. We also have a responsibility to live up to whatever financial commitments we have made together.
• Respect our partners’ needs for other relationships and expect the same in return. We all have a right to friendships outside of our primary relationships. Spending time apart with family and friends is normal and healthy.
• Respect our partners’ privacy and need for time apart and expect the same in return. We all need privacy and time apart from one another — alone or with others. It is not fair to be angry or treat someone badly for wanting time apart.
• Respect our partners’ need to feel safe and secure and expect the same in return. We all need to always feel safe and secure. Physical or emotional abuse, threats, or violence are deal breakers and end our responsibility to try to maintain our relationships.
• Respect our partners sexually and expect the same in return. Whenever we have sex, we should be attentive to each other’s pleasure. We should always have each other’s consent, and we should never use pressure to get consent. We should share in the responsibility of guarding ourselves and our partners against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection. And we should always be clear about what we want to do and respect what our partners want to do sexually.

It’s all pretty basic, but we’ve both been slacking off. Whether it’s due to fatigue, stress, or relational complacency, it’s obvious we’ve both got some touching up to do.And people’s needs can change over time. This is always important to keep in mind, and it’s very important that we both feel comfortable enough to talk to each other about our needs and concerns or else our relationship is never going to work out. If it continues as it is now, it will lead to bitterness, anger, and resentment.So, I would like to start out by saying that is IS okay to have different opinions. I will acknowledge (and you have it in writing) that I have a TERRIBLE habit of brushing off other opinions as nonsensical. And I do it to you too. And (whether or not the opinion actually is totally bizarre) this is not okay. I quite often have problems talking to you for this very same reason because I anticipate your reaction and remain quiet. We need to come to an understanding on this if we are to build mutual respect for each other’s thoughts, feelings, and ideas. We will probably still disagree on many things, and that is okay.This all ties in very closely to listening/being listened to, being honest, sharing our feelings, treating each other fairly, and mutual support and consideration of each other’s needs. Different opinions and feelings will need to be heard on both sides with varying needs/requirements in order to be fair and supportive.

And we will both MOST definitely continue to make mistakes. And is to be expected, and we should regard each other’s mistakes with forgiveness  However, there are some things in relationships where the behavior of one person can be a deal-breaker with the other if it is not taken seriously and addressed. Forgiveness does not mean to forsake your own needs and it is not a get out of fail free card.Following this very basic outline will lead to us feeling safe, secure, and mutually respected within our relationship.The last few points on the list specifically pertain to issues that have come up for me (and I highly encourage you to write to me in return to outline your own issues, without blame).Respect our partner’s needs for other relationships and expect the same in return. It says that spending time apart with family and friends is normal and healthy, and I could not agree more. We all needs friends and family. And some of my very close friends live in Washington, and I desire time with them. All I ask is that you respect this need. Two weeks is not very long in the grand scheme of things. Although I may not like all your friends, I still respect that they are your friends and do not complain when you leave the house to spend time with them or when you invite them over. It is unfortunate that my friends live in Washington and that my time gone will be much longer than a few hours, but I still need this same basic respect regarding my other relationships. And sometimes people also just need time apart. This is nothing to be ashamed about, and as the list says, it is not fair to be angry or treat me badly (or threaten me with ultimatums) for wanting this.Money. Stated quite plainly, we should all be allowed to make our own decisions  on how we spend our own money, while living up to whatever financial commitments we have made together. I was not thrilled when you told me how I could better spend my money than using it to fly to Washington. I do not tell you how to spend your money, and I expect the same courtesy. Since we live together, all I expect is that the bills are equally split as part of a financial agreement. You, the internet plus half the electric minus $50 (for the internet). I, half the electric plus $50 (to make up the amount subtracted from your half for the internet). I think this is very fair, since we both make about the same amount of money. And you have told me that you will do this, but when the bill arrives, your portion is always missing from the bill tin. It will be much easier to manage for you and less stress for me to know that I will have the money to pay it before it gets here. If that means putting $20 in there every few days (since you get paid daily), that’s fine. I just need to see a little more reliability on this.Respect our partners sexually and expect the same in return. THIS is my deal breaker. I need consent. Consent is:-Consent is a voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement.-Consent is an active agreement: Consent cannot be coerced.-Consent is a process, which must be asked for every step of the way; if you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy, just ask.-Consent is never implied and cannot be assumed, even in the context of a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have permission to have sex with your partner.-A person who is intoxicated cannot legally give consent. If you’re too drunk to make decisions and communicate with your partner, you’re too drunk to consent.
-The absence of a “no” doesn’t mean “yes”.
-Both people should be involved in the decision to have sex.Now, the intoxicated one can change depending on the situation. If I state before drinking that having sex while I’m drunk is okay, then it is. Otherwise, it is not. Also, “maybe” means “no”. In past personal experiences, when I have told people maybe, they have held it over my head and used it to coerce me. That is not consent. That is force. If I say “maybe” and later change it to a “yes” without persuasion or force, then it is a “yes”.Also, I need to point out again that a partner DOES NOT have consent when the other is sleeping. Just because I am not awake to say “no”, does not mean it is a “yes”. Just because we are in a relationship, does not mean it’s a “yes”. Now, some people may agree to sleep sex. Some people enjoy it and will give their partner(s) permission to do this, but with me, it is a “no”. And when I say no, I don’t just mean penetration. Do not grab my boobs, do not grope my ass, do not touch my vagina when I am sleeping. Cuddling is okay. There are several reasons this is a no for me.1. I need to sleep. I work late and have problems falling asleep as it is. I do not wake up well rested if I have been awoken (or kept up) multiple times a night.2. Having sex in the middle of the night is often done without protection. I am not on birth control, but we do have condoms and VCF. The problem with these is that they must be used every time we have sex, and usually we (or you) are not getting out of bed to grab them. I don’t want to end up pregnant again, so it is safer to agree to sex while we are both awake and active and less likely to forget protection.3. It doesn’t happen frequently, but sometimes when you have touched me sexually in my sleep, I have awoken to memories of my molestation as a child. This is not fun, and it is not a way to prelude sex with a loved partner.And if I ever say no for any other reason, even if I don’t tell you the reason, it is LEGIT. I own my body, and I make all decisions regarding its use. I understand that this may lead to feeling let down or rejected. I understand what it’s like to be horny and not get to have sex. But coercing me or trying to make me feel bad by shaming me for not lending my body to you is NOT and NEVER is okay.Just think. What kind of guy wants to have sex with someone who isn’t interested? And why would you even want that? If both partners don’t REALLY want it, what’s the point?Sex is a shared experience, just like love. Something that is supposed to be enjoyed and pleasurable for everyone involved. Something healing, that brings people closer. It’s not about possession, and it is never something owed to someone, whether that person is the cause of your erection or whether they’re just sleeping in your bed. But sex also does not = love. Just because I may not have sex with you for whatever reason, it does not mean I hate you or that I don’t love you. I simply have other needs or needs that aren’t being met.I am going to be sleeping in another room until we finish working this stuff out and come to a mutual agreement. I simply want a re-connection and not a continuing tug-of-war, so that we don’t do further damage. Then I will move back in once we are in clear agreement.Please, pleease, take the time to read and reply to this. I still love you, and I just want to work through the tough things.