Moving Forward

Nate texted me right after he got to work today saying that he feels like I hate him. So it evolved into a conversation about how we've both been feeling lately, particularly about how I have been angry towards him and (with the former being the result of the latter) how I have felt like my own feelings have been disrespected by him.

I have lived with depression for right around 8 years. He tells me that he has dealt with depression before, which I do not doubt, but his lack of empathy, given his truth, has just been rather disconcerting.

But it has been a hell of journey seeing how depression can affect an intimate/romantic relationship when you both live together. Should have seen that one coming.

Towards the end of our conversation, he said that he believes happiness is a way of life, not a destination. And I agree. But the problem is I’m not happy with my way of life. Not with my job, not with where I live.

I was much happier in Washington in a safe community where I could actively explore a way of life that I enjoyed and was comfortable in. But moving back to Indiana has shoved me back into a little box, but this time with a peep hole to the other side.

I guess in my case, happiness literally does have a destination.

But back to Washington I cannot go, not yet. Nate made his point, and I finally called Ivy Tech and set a date for my new student orientation. I also called Four County and made an intake appointment for counseling. Third time is a charm, they say. We’ll see how that last part goes.

Moving back to Washington is my ultimate goal, but starting over again would be rather counterproductive to my attempts to move past my depression. It would mean having to settle into a new home again, new rhythm, new routine, new job, reapplying for school (I’m already on what, my third time?), etc. It would prolong my feelings of aimlessness. Not helpful.

Impatient as I may be to return to my heart-state, I’ll stay here for now and work on school and try to breathe life back into mine and Nate’s relationship. Which will take some work. We still have more things to talk about (particularly our sexual relationship).

I will settle for the visit I am planning in March. Once I get my taxes figured out, I’ll know whether or not I’ll be able to go. But so far things are looking pretty good, and I think Ann is just as excited as I am. I do miss my peeps something fierce.